What is important? What should I be doing?
Setting aside there is no source of judgement on such issues, and that even if such a source existed we humans probably could not discern it, we are left instead with … what feels right? What “works”? What do we think we should do?
So often I would say to my sponsor, when I thought I was failing at something, “It just seems I should be doing better.” And he would say, “According to whom? Where do these standards that you’re applying come from?” And that answer often involved a digging-down into my mind, my past, the countless messages I received as a child, all the ideas I formed about myself, the world, and the “right” way to do things. I now realize that the people around me were all just passing along that which they had been given, and at some point, if we keep digging and looking into, we arrive at cultural conclusions, religious ideology, shared neuroses and other forms of groupthink which seem to serve mainly to keep everyone in line.
When I thought that maybe spending time in nature was more important than gathering possessions, I was told I was being silly. When I suggested perhaps experiences and seeing things from a different perspective was better than ensuring my own security, I was called naïve. If I said I was suffering and wanted help, I was urged to keep quiet and push through.
And so I decided that perhaps I was doing it wrong, from the big picture of how I was organizing my life right down to what I was doing for a living, how I spent my money and time, how nice my things were, what I ate and drank, everything. There was always, embedded in my mind, a “right way” to do stuff, and often I wasn’t doing stuff that way. The tensions that sprang from this led me to seek consolation and comfort, which led to running away, first by simply going someplace else and then to alcohol and then marijuana and other drugs. Those led to more suffering, which I again thought was just because I was “doing it wrong,” but which eventually got bad enough that I landed in 12-step world, where I found sobriety and a path back to ask the old, old questions about who I am and what I’m doing here – what I am “supposed” to be doing here, and how I might go about answering that question.
I have certainly made progress in that regard, but to this day whenever I form a thought or belief, I attack it. Whenever I decide to do something, I think I should be doing something else. I still think I am being naïve, silly, wasteful or lazy.
And so, for example, when I light my candle in the morning, read a little bit, and then sit to meditate, the usual line of thoughts comes up: I should be working, I should be at the gym, I should wash the dishes, what if somebody is trying to call me, should I be using a timer, this whole candle routine is so cliché, what should I do first after I’m done with this, why am I reading about mindfulness instead of just doing it …
What I try to do now is to tell myself, first, just be here now. Sit and breathe, and observe those thoughts. Some day we can think about where they come from, what purpose they serve, and what we might do about them. But for now, just sit and breathe. This, right here, and you, right here … this is fine. Work is important, calls and other people are important, washing the dishes is important, but also sitting and breathing and taking a moment to create a little bit of calm space in your life … this is important.
And when get through with this little act, I can move on to the next one, perhaps with a little bit of this peace and calm brought along with me.
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